I would still think of the wonderful times we spent together. I love talking to her. Having her is incomparable to many other things I have now in my life. It felt like she was always interested to everything I say, whether it was all about the “watusi”, or the new structure I was able to build with my legos – things like that. Things that most matter to me as a child. Well, maybe it was all because I am her daughter. Maybe this is the reason why all that matters to me, are as important to her.
I look up to her. She was the best person in the world. Sometimes, I wonder what would be life with her by now, if she happens to be alive. Would she be still interested on the things that matter to me now?
I could even remember the time, 2 months after she passed away, when I was beginning to feel abandoned. I did not cry at the time when the news of her death was brought to us, it was only my sister who was crying at that particular time. I found no reason to cry. I lived on her promise.
My mother, after her surgery, usually cannot sleep immediately at night. I sleep beside her, even before she got sick. As the days passed, after she was diagnosed with brain cancer, she found it hard to fall asleep; it may be due to dozens of medicines she was taking. I remembered how paranoid I was, even as young as I was back then. I would try my best not to fall asleep because from time to time I would hug her and feel her heart beat. I would check for her breath every now and then. I am so afraid that she might just die in her sleep – I am so afraid of losing her.
I remembered one night when we just talked. We talked about anything under the heat of the sun. I told her every little thing I had in mind and she just listened and gave comments from time to time. Then, I do not know how I arrived at that particular question; it just popped immediately in my head - I asked her how she felt when she first saw me.
The reaction she gave me is still fresh in my mind, even up to now. She paused after I asked her that question. Then unnoticeably, a tear fell from her eyes. She said that the moment she laid her eyes on me, she felt so blessed and so happy. She told me that what she felt can never be described in words, but she tried her best to explain in a way that I, as a young child, would understand. She told me that after seeing me for the very first time, she felt all the love one can imagine. She said that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She then ceased narrating her feelings, and just continued crying. At that moment, I was puzzled.
After a moment of silence, she then told me how afraid she was. She told me that she was not afraid of death at all, she was afraid of not being with us. She was afraid that we would eventually forget her and the times we spent together. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Then as the years passed, I began to understand what she told me. I and my sister had been the best thing that ever happened to her, and she had given us with so much love. And it isn’t dying that feared her; it is the thought of not being with us.
I realized how much she loves me and my sister. And that love had made us strong and mature. Her love was enough to make her children grow wonderfully, as what she had planned it to be. I realized how great her love was that even with her absence she was able to make us grow uprightly and become better persons.
If there is one thing I want to happen, it would be to go back at the moment when she told me how afraid she was of not being with us. I would want to hug her and tell her that she shouldn’t be afraid because her great love for us was enough to make us feel that she had never left us. Her love and our memories together would always and forever be locked deep within our hearts. We love you Mommy!
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Oops!! 😍
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