TIME MACHINE

With mommy, during my 1st birthday.

Well, it had been 10 years since I have last seen my mother. And the thought of not having her in our lives still lingers.

I would still think of the wonderful times we spent together. I love talking to her. Having her is incomparable to many other things I have now in my life. It felt like she was always interested to everything I say, whether it was all about the “watusi”, or the new structure I was able to build with my legos – things like that. Things that matter to me as a child. Well, maybe it was all because I am her daughter. Maybe this is the reason why all that matters to me, are also important to her.

I look up to her. She was the best person in the world. Sometimes, I wonder what would be life with her by now, if she happens to be alive. Would she be still interested on the things that matter to me now?

I could even remember the time, 2 months after she passed away, when I was beginning to feel abandoned. I did not cry at the time when the news of her death was brought to us, it was only my sister who was crying at that particular time. I found no reason to cry. I lived on her promise.

My mother, after her surgery, usually cannot sleep immediately at night. I sleep beside her, even before she got sick. As the days passed, after she was diagnosed with brain cancer, she found it hard to fall asleep; it may be due to dozens of medicines she was taking. I remembered how paranoid I was, even as young as I was back then. I would try my best not to fall asleep because from time to time I would hug her and feel her heart beat. I would check for her breath every now and then. I am so afraid that she might just die in her sleep – I am so afraid of losing her.

I remembered one night when we just talked. We talked about anything under the heat of the sun. I told her every little thing I had in mind and she just listened and gave comments from time to time. Then, I do not know how I arrived at that particular question; it just popped immediately in my head - I asked her how she felt when she first saw me.

The reaction she gave me is still fresh in my mind, even up to now. She paused after I asked her that question. Then unnoticeably, a tear fell from her eyes. She said that the moment she laid her eyes on me, she felt so blessed and so happy. She told me that what she felt can never be described in words, but she tried her best to explain in a way that I, as a young child, would understand. She told me that after seeing me for the very first time, she felt all the love one can imagine. She said that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She then ceased narrating her feelings, and just continued crying. At that moment, I was puzzled.

After a moment of silence, she then told me how afraid she was. She told me that she was not afraid of death at all, she was afraid of not being with us. She was afraid that we would eventually forget her and the times we spent together. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Then as the years passed, I began to understand what she told me. I and my sister had been the best thing that ever happened to her, and she had given us with so much love. And it isn’t dying that feared her; it is the thought of not being with us.

I realized how much she loves me and my sister. And that love had made us strong and mature. Her love was enough to make her children grow wonderfully, as what she had planned it to be. I realized how great her love was that even with her absence she was able to make us grow uprightly.

If there is one thing I want to happen, it would be to go back at the moment when she told me how afraid she was of not being with us. I would want to hug her and tell her that she shouldn’t be afraid because her great love for us was enough to make us feel that she had never left us. Her love and our memories together would always and forever be locked deep within our hearts. We love you Mommy! Merry Christmas!

A HOME WITHOUT A MOTHER

Since she left us, everything had changed.

I was ten years old when she passed away; I was living according to my rules, a happy-go-lucky child. I used to be very dependent to my parents. When I want something, I force my parents to buy it immediately. I can still remember when I wanted to learn swimming but my father strongly opposes it because he doesn't think it will be a good idea since I also have classes at school. I protested hard enough and so, I was able to get what I want.

Eight years later and a lot had developed. The pain that her absence brought me had helped me grow stronger to face everything with confidence.

I became more sensitive and more intimate with my family. Me and my dad bonded more often than ever. My sister and I began to talk everyday, sharing stories, our fears, problems, gossips - anything under the sun.

I grew more responsible than ever. I take care of my sister. I see to it that she is doing well in school. My father, on the other hand, serves as our protector and the family's breadwinner and in return, I give him what he deserves - love, care and respect. I study hard for my father because I want him to be happy.

After all the changes that happened in me, everything is now clear to see. God has reasons for making people stay and go.

MY BEAUTIFUL WINGED CREATURE

An angel's wings formed in the sky.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be tomorrow.”

What is the most painful experience you had in your entire life? I haven’t lived long enough in this world but I had my most painful experience.

First let us define pain: unpleasant sensation, feeling of discomfort, emotional distress, grief, anguish.

In life you have to be sure of everything that you decide for so that in the end when you fail and get hurt, you will not regret.

But I want to talk about the pain I had experienced. Was it death? A bite? A rejection? A disease? A scolding? An insult?

My story begins by describing the angel I met seven years ago.

Unlike any other child with the same age as mine, I neither believe in angels nor on heavens. I only believe on the clouds I see up in the sky, on the birds I hear chirping during our afternoon plays on the garden. In short, I believe only on the things I see, hear and smell.

One day, I met someone who seems to be shining and glowing. It has beautiful grey wings covered with radiating feathers with tiny crystals on its edges. Its smile seems to transpire an image of bliss. The feeling I felt after witnessing that magnificent image evoked a feeling of fervor and desire to approach.

I walked towards the glazing image and to my childish curiosity I touched the stunning wings, the winged creature talked to me. It told me that in return of touching the beautiful wings, I must help it on fulfilling its purpose on earth. I wanted to spend more time looking at the magnificent image and so I agreed on it.

I explained to the winged creature that unlike any other human beings, I have limitations since I am still a child. I do not have the capacity to do things that require a lot of thinking, logical reasoning and physical endurance. The winged creature replied that its mission on earth is simple; prove to its Superior that something exists in this world which can make its beautiful wing turn white. With that, I proudly told it that although it may take a while, I can still make that possible. The winged creature flash a smile which thawed my young heart and made my innocence on things which cannot be felt by the physical senses vanished.

For years, the winged creature stayed by my side all the time. It served as something which I never believed in before – my guardian angel. I grew up with the presence of this beautiful creature that has magnificent glowing wings. I enjoyed doing everything with it, I spent my free time playing with that winged creature.

Days gone by and I can see from its weary eyes a heavy burden inside. The winged creature showed to me its wings. Now, it has only a small portion of grey feathers. I was puzzled for that image should have made the beautiful winged creature happy. Then I realized slowly that it is a prelude to a sad goodbye. A tear fell from my eyes; the winged creature held my hand and put me into its arms. I felt by its touch that it also does not want to go but for a very important reason, it has to.

We spent our days playing all the time, enjoying each others presence. At a young age I thought myself how to bake and cook and offered my baked cookies to the beautiful winged creature. In return, the winged creature would always stay beside me singing songs they usually sing up there on the place where the winged creature described as a blissful place with nothing to worry about. Every time it talked about that place, I could see from its eyes how happy it is to be living there. The winged creature would always sit beside my bed before I go to sleep and read me some stories which had always fascinated me. It would talk about dragons, the rose on the moon, and many other things which I never believed in before.

My life has changes since that winged creature walked into my life.

Then, the day came when its magnificent wings turned all white. I cannot understand how I felt when I saw its radiating white wings. Should I be happy or should I be sad?

The winged creature hugged me and bid goodbye. I cried hard and began to sob. Why? Why does it have to leave me? Now that I have began living a life with its presence!
It just kissed me on the forehead and smiled.

I was out of words for my tears are overflowing. I told the winged creature that when it came I began to believe on things which I never thought to exist before. I cannot even remember all the words I poured out, the only thing in my mind is to make that magnificent winged creature stay.

It did not utter anything at all. The winged creature waved and when it was already flying above me, it shouted: “Your love and care for me turned the color of my wings white. I may have lost the crystals on the corners of my grey wings before but still I am grateful! You love me, and I know that we both know that I love you too! At the right time, we will see each other. I do not know when but I promise I will be with you again. And by that time, I will never leave.”

And so, that’s it. The angel went away carrying with it, my life and my love. I should have done something to make it stay but there are really things in life which cannot be changed no matter how hard we try to. Until this day, as I am narrating this most painful experience I had in my life I am waiting patiently and looking up to the sky, thinking that eventually, a beautiful winged creature with a magnificent white wings would come down for me.